Navigating emotional floodwaters
The importance of emotional validation and reaching out for support.
Bad days, rough days, sad days, and tough days. They ebb and flow, and though we know that no state is permanent, in the midst of the moment we often feel swamped in our negative feelings.
I’m not here to tell you to think positive, or be grateful, or look at those less fortunate than you. Those are all important messages, but I’m actually just dropping in today to validate you.
Your tears, sadness, deep sighs, exasperation, and exhaustion are valid.
Your anxieties, worries, guilt, overthinking, and ruminating are valid.
You are allowed to have moments where you feel inadequate and like you’re not measuring up.
Whatever you’re going through right now and however it’s making you feel is valid.
Be it exhaustion from chasing after toddlers or nursing a new born, nausea and sickness in pregnancy, dread at the thought of work deadlines, pressure at having falling behind on studies, guilt at not utilising Ramadan in the best way, weakness at fighting a cold while fasting, homesickness at an upended routine, plus the thousand other things niggling away at the back of your mind…
When we’re feeling low, we often overthink what we’re going through; we think it’s not serious enough to call someone up and vent. We question whether people will want to hear our negativity again and again, and in doing so belittle our feelings before we’ve even had a chance to process them. But let me tell you — humans need each other. We need to lean on each other, to vent, to rant, to pour our heart out no matter how menial the matter may seem.
It feels terrible when you turn to someone to vent and the first thing they say is ‘well I had it worse’, or ‘look at the people suffering in XYZ and count your blessings’. It’s invalidating and often makes you feel worse because it’s hard in that mental state to pivot into a positive state of mind. When the emotional floodgates open and life feels rough, we all need validation and reassurance that what we’re feeling is okay and what we’re going through is tough. We need to hold space for our feelings and allow ourselves to feel them fully before we can consider ways of moving forward.
So, the positive thinking, gratitude journalling, and reflecting on those less fortunate comes later. First, create a safe space for your feelings. Not only does this allow you to develop a sense of self but also builds emotional regulation. In a flooded state, give yourself the chance to learn the language of emotions by naming them and simply letting them exist without judgement. After that, you will be in a better place mentally to be able to navigate the floodwaters and work through your feelings with healthy coping strategies.
It doesn’t help to drown yourself in ‘I should’s’ (I should be positive, I should be more grateful, I should be stronger etc…) when your tears have not yet dried. Let the tears flow, fall freely, and dry before you work on picking yourself up.
Our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) cried openly at the death of his son; he didn’t stifle his tears and call it ‘sabr’. Yaqub AS cried out, “I complain of my anguish and sorrow only to Allah…” — he labelled his emotions and in doing so, held space for them.
They said, “By Allah! You will not cease to remember Joseph until you lose your health or ˹even˺ your life.” He replied, “I complain of my anguish and sorrow only to Allah, and I know from Allah what you do not know”. (Qur’an 12:85-86)
A hug in its essence is validation: ‘I see you, I hear you, I’m carving time out to simply hold you.’ Unfortunately, in our increasingly isolated lives, many of us lose out on giving and receiving this simple act. But here’s a reminder - the next time someone confides in you in an emotionally charged state, hold off from immediately preaching and instead let them know they are heard. Hug them – physically or verbally — and it will, inshaAllah, do wonders for their emotional state while also strengthening your bond.
And on that note, replies to this email (if you’re reading from your inbox) will come straight to me so feel free to vent if you need a listening ear, no matter how small you think your issue is.
A note to my fellow sisters
I recently launched my free ebook ‘Spirituality Through The Cycle’. It’s a short guide focused on helping menstruating women navigate their cycles from a spiritual standpoint. You too can channel the strengths of each phase of your cycle into your ‘ibadah and, inshaAllah, increase your spirituality in harmony with your feminine nature.
Download the ebook here (link fixed!), or read more about it in my last post.